A time for the church to bend its knees

On Christmas Day 1992, I started going to a little thatched church, deep in the African bushveldt, the Church of St John the Baptist at 24 Rivers near Vaalwater in the Waterberg region of South Africa. After twelve years I married and moved to the Church of St John the Baptist in the United Kingdom, but we returned to the Waterberg this January and were able to attend seven Sunday services and several other activities with my old friends who make up the community at the little church. 

Here is the latest sermon from Shane Dowinton, chairman of the congregation:   

'A couple of weeks ago we had a wonderful weekend at our church where we got down to the nitty gritty of worship. We got deep into the why, when and how of being a worshipper in all aspects of life and we learned that when we worship God we are somehow drawn into His presence.

What an amazing thought, that the God of the universe would allow us to draw near to Him through humble acts of worship. Yet as followers of Christ we do have this incredible mystery that a transcendent God, the creator of all things, the author of all life, a God beyond our wildest imaginings, actually desires relationship with man which also makes Him an imminent God. That word imminent relates to the word Immanuel a prophetic word for Christ which literally means God with us. The very nature of God is both beyond our understanding in its enormity and yet near enough to know each one of us personally in relationship.

Now, last week we had a period of 40 hours of prayer and fasting where we saw the Lord work in wonderful ways. We joined with the nation of South Africa for three hours of that time petitioning God on behalf of our country. It was a time of intercession.

Tying the two weekends up seemed like a logical thing to do today since worship and prayer go together from God’s perspective, so I’d like to unpack that concept a little by looking at the purpose and means of intercessory prayer.

I spoke about prayer last year too, but I concentrated on the relationship aspect, that before anything God wants a relationship with you and that prayer is the dialogue that marks that relationship. Today though, I want to look at another aspect of prayer; the fact that through the incredible access and relationship we have with the Father, we are able to join him about his work. It’s incredible and wonderful to have a close relationship with your Father but it’s another level of maturity altogether to be allowed to join the family business.

I’m going to use the word intercession quite often this morning so, first off, I just want to explain what that means in this context. Intercession literally means to stand in the gap, to stand in between two parties, and in the context of prayer it means that we petition the Father on behalf of others. We might do that at a relational level praying for healing from sickness. We might stand in the gap as we did when we prayed last weekend for South Africa, we stood on behalf of the country before God asking His forgiveness for our disobedience as a nation, for not having Him at the centre of our government, our society and our families and we asked, on behalf of this nation, that God would intervene, that He would show grace towards us (undeserved favour) despite us. We can also intercede at a global level asking for God’s mercy on certain nations or world powers or situations.

To begin with, I’d like to give an example of someone from scripture who will demonstrate what intercession is all about and I decided that a great picture of it is found in the story of Esther. It’s an odd book found in the Old Testament that actually never even mentions God but is filled with types and representations of God and is filled with good teaching. It’s a bit long to read as a prelude to a message so I’ll read an abbreviated paraphrase by David Pawson to put us in the picture.

The Jews are in exile in Persia, assimilated into the culture but far away from Jerusalem and home. During these 70 years of exile certain Jews have risen to positions of power, Daniel is one, he became prime minister under several Babylonian kings and here in this story we find Esther. Esther was young and beautiful and queen to the most powerful king in the world, Xerxes. But just like a good Mills and Boon novel she has a secret that could mean her death; she is Jewish in a society that hates Jews.

Xerxes rules over a kingdom that stretches from India to Egypt and he decides to have a bit of a bash for all the important people in that kingdom as a team building exercise I guess. At the end of the conference he decides to show off his wife Vashti but she refuses to come so he decides after some counselling, to get a new queen. After a prolonged beauty contest, including a year’s worth of beauty treatments, Esther becomes Xerxes favourite.

Esther is a Jew from the tribe of Benjamin and the cousin to a man called Mordecai, he’s a good guy. The bad guy in the piece is a man called Haman who hates the Jews. The tension in the story mounts when Haman, who is an important official in the Kings court gets a law passed so that everyone in the kingdom must worship the king. Mordecai refuses and angers Haman who goes to the king accusing the Jews of insubordination and lack of respect for the king. He manages to get Xerxes to order the entire annihilation of the Jews on a certain date.

When the Jews find out they’re mortified and decide to fast and pray. Mordecai sends a message to Esther that she has to speak to the King to stop this or it’s tickets for Israel. Actually what he says is that it may be that she was brought to the kingdom for such a time as this which is the one line we know well from Esther!
In those days it wasn’t easy to pop in and see the king and Esther hadn’t been invited for 30 days. If she turned up unrequested it could mean her death. Thankfully, the king was pretty fond of Esther and she was allowed into his court but he also granted her a generous request “Up to half of the Kingdom”. She asks if the King and Haman would join her for a meal.

Haman, meanwhile had started to think of the fruits of his evil and had a giant 50 foot gallows erected in his garden just for Mordecai.

The night before the banquet the king couldn’t sleep so he reads a few of his old diaries. He discovers that Mordecai had saved his life from assassination years before and had never been rewarded. So he makes arrangements for Mordecai to be paraded around the city in fine robes on a beautiful horse by…you guessed it, Haman. Talk about stirring the pot!

At the banquet Esther plucked up the courage to speak to the king about her people. When the king heard that Haman was behind the evil plot he gets Haman impaled on the pole he had designed for Mordecai and the Jews are saved. It’s a staggering change of fortune and in fact the Jews are given licence to attack their own assassins!

It’s an amazing story, not least because it’s true. But imagine, if this hadn’t happened there would be no Jewish people at all, after all the Persian Empire stretched over most of the known world at that time. And if the Jews had been destroyed there would be no Jesus. So, quite important really.

It’s a great story, full of tension and excitement. Heroes and heroines, good guys and bad guys, and the right Holywood ending – happily ever after.

Now what on earth does that have to do with intercessory prayer?!!

Let’s start with the cast.

• There is a powerful king over a broad and powerful kingdom. He holds life and death in his hands. He is revered, a ruler to be feared, and getting close to him is not easy.
• Yet he has a relationship with a beautiful bride, his queen, who he loves dearly.
• There is a very real enemy who is bitter and vindictive and hell bent (sorry about the pun) on destroying his enemy.

I’m sure you are getting the characters in place now; Jesus is the king above all kings. He has the power and the authority to intervene in all things relating to his people and his kingdom. Queen Esther represents the church, the bride of Christ, beautiful and prepared for her King.

The enemy, of course, is Satan who ironically also held the most important place in the court of God before his aspirations for power caused him to be cast out of God’s presence. There is even a foreshadowing of his powers being stripped from him as Haman is forced to lead Mordecai on a victor’s horse paraded through the streets as a reward from the king. “..having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them triumphing over them by the cross.” Colossians 2 v 15 Haman also does what Satan does before God, that is, he accuses God’s people before him, he tries to tell the Father that we are rebellious and unworthy of his attention and deserving of destruction.

If that is the cast then the plot ought to ring truths for us also and it does. As God’s people are assimilated into a culture not their own and subject to all that is imposed by it, so the church of God resides in the world. We are in the world but not of the world.

We have an enemy whose lies, deceit and desire to destroy are aimed directly at us. He accuses us before the king and we face his attempts to destroy us constantly.

However, through Christ’s sacrifice at the cross we have access to the King; he loves us and hears us when we call to him. His blood has redeemed us and we have the rights to enter his courts.

“We have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body” Hebrews 10 v 19-20  

We have favour beyond what we could reasonably expect. Esther was offered up to half of the kingdom before she had even asked anything of Xerxes, we as the church are given the keys to the whole kingdom, and Jesus said the gates of Hades will not prevail against us [his church]. [Matt 16 v 18] And although it might seem harsh that the prize for the Jews was to turn on their own assassins, there is a parallel for us as the church. Jesus said “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations…” [Matt 28 v 18] The church is ordered, not to defend its walls but to attack the walls of Hell.

The king loves his bride, in relationship with the king we are loved and prized. We have been chosen and prepared with oil and fragrance, the oil of the Holy Spirit and the fragrance of Christ. The preparation that draws us into his favour is done by his Holy Spirit; it is in relationship that we find the King disposed to our requests.

Prayer that brings us into God’s presence.
In our worship workshop we saw that there was a process by which we can come into God’s presence, it is known as the tabernacle. It was ordained by God and implemented by Moses into the life of the newly formed Israelites.  The Tabernacle had only one entrance called “the Way” through which the people were allowed in. There was a sacrificial altar, a washing laver, there was Shewbread and there was a lampstand. These objects symbolise the sacrifice of Christ, the washing in the blood and the Word, the bread of Christ and the Holy Spirit being the oil, the fire and the light within us. And then there was a censor of incense whose smoke rose into the Holy of Holies, the place that represented God’s presence, and this symbolised our worship and our prayer.

As these images demonstrate in the natural we can take them to be truth in heaven.
Revelation 8 verses 3 – 5 says  “Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of the saints, on the golden altar before the throne. The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of the saints, went up before God from the angel’s hand. Then the angel took the censer, filled it with fire from the altar, and hurled it on the earth; and there came peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lightening and an earthquake.”

This passage gives us a clear picture of the prayers of the saints, that’s us by the way, offered to God and returned to earth with great power. It’s clear that our prayers reach the throne of heaven, the highest and most Holy of places and that they carry power, they reach the king.
When Jesus asked us to pray “thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven” he meant exactly that. We are to pray heaven here on earth.

Our original and unchanging mandate.
As I said at the beginning of this message we were designed to be in relationship with God from the outset of creation. We were made in God’s image so that we could communicate with Him, we have a family likeness, we are spiritual beings, and we were given a role. Genesis 1 v 28 says “God blessed [Adam and Eve] and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.”

We were always meant to bring Heaven to earth. Sadly, in Eden we flipped God’s agenda to our own. In a tragic twist to the story, a story where we would be intimately caught up in God’s purpose for the world, we were literally and easily talked out of it. Instead, we desired the wisdom of God without the person of God; we rejected the relationship with Him in order to have the perks of power on our own agenda.

When I was pondering this thought, I realised that the Eden story is a powerful picture indicting my prayer life. Have you ever made the mistake of seeing God as a vending machine, or a genie in a bottle? Have you ever gone to God with your list; your map for the perfect future, with your plans and agendas, I know I have. It’s a reflection of Eden; we reject the relationship and use it for our designs. God always intended our relationship with Him to bring about heavenly results. Our prayer picture was always too small!

Thankfully, Eden isn’t the end of the story. God didn’t give up on us; in fact, He has never stopped pursuing us because His purpose is the same. He wants a relationship with us and He wants us to be a part of His redemption plans for our world. We are still meant to bring heaven to earth.

God invites us into relationship with Him but He goes further than that, He invites us into the family business, to deliver the redemptive acts of His kingdom to a damaged and floundering world. He asks us to partner with him in prayer, to seek him and His purposes for this world. He promises to reveal unsearchable things to us, to effect great and impossible things.

“His [God’s] intent was that now, through His church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms according to His eternal purpose which He accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In Him and through Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.”   Ephesians 3 v 10-12

The family business is way bigger than we could imagine. Our prayers effect not just our natural world but also the heavenlies, we have power in our prayers to give wisdom to rulers and authorities in the heavenly realm.

Remember Jesus’ words “What you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, what you loose in heaven will be loosed on earth.” They must be important, he said them on at least two occasions. [ Matt 16 v 19, Matt 18 v 18, ]

Samuel Chadwick once said, and I have no idea who he is!
“The one concern of the devil is to keep Christians from praying. He fears nothing from prayer less studies, prayer less work, and prayer less religion. He laughs at our toil, mocks our wisdom, but he trembles when we pray.”

How serious are we about prayer? Are we content to restrict our prayers to a 100 metre radius; are we happy with a kilometre or ten kilometres even? Or do we want to be caught up in heavens plans? Are you stirred this morning to take up your place in the family business? Do you see the authority and power that you have been given through Christ and in Christ? Do you want to bat on the front foot, get a few boundaries for God, or are you content to defend the stumps and play out for a draw.

I’m challenged by prayer, and I know how poor my prayer life is! I want to be caught up in prayer that changes things. I want to be in the family business and I’m prepared to start as the gardener. I just know that my prayer life is sadly lacking and because that is so the church is defending not attacking. If you feel like I do I want you to say amen when I pray this prayer.

Lord Jesus, we want to be caught up in the plans and purposes of heaven. We confess that our prayers are weak and powerless so often and we repent of that. Prepare us, Lord, for greater things; give us a thirst for you and your designs. Anoint us Holy Spirit to prayer that glorifies God; saturate us in the fragrance of our Lord Jesus Christ. We cry out to you in his name, teach us the great and unsearchable things of the Father that we might effect your Kingdom’s work here on earth and in the heavenlies. 

Lift this humble church to become a vessel of great treasure, heavenly treasure filled to overflowing with living water. Make us a city upon a hill, a light that cannot be quenched for you. Stir up our prayers, Lord, so that you would be seen here, found here, sought here. May we be the light and flavour that is so desperately needed here on earth. “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”

Dr John Sentamu, Archbishop of York

On 18th May I attended a confirmation held in Ripon. The Archbishop of York gave out copies of his address afterwards, suggesting we could sell them on eBay.

'I've just been speaking at a high-security gaol,' he went on, amused that of the prisoners called him 'Archie.'
'You seem like a dynamic man, Archie, but aren't the leaders of the church boring geeks?'

'My prayer,' The Most Reverend and Right Honourable Dr John Sentamu told us, 'is that the people of this county can talk about Jesus the way they talk about the weather. Then something will happen.' He explained that in Uganda, where he comes from they only have climate. 'Whether we know Christ or have only grasped a fragment of him, the best is yet to come.'

He spoke to the ordinands saying, 'Love always involves a responsibility, and it always involves a sacrafice. We don't really love Christ unless we are prepared to face the task he gives and to take up his cross.' 

We now hear that the Archbishop is facing treatment for prostate cancer. He must have known this when he took the service in Ripon, and yet he managed to fill the church with laughter.

As we left the service my husband thanked Dr Sentamu saying, 'Asanti sana,' (Many thanks in Swaheli). He was immediately clasped in a passionate embrace.

'Let each of us serve Christ where Christ has sent us,' the Archbishop told us. 'As the Risen Christ said to Peter: 'Never mind the task that is given to someone else. John is none of your business. Your job is to follow me and to be faithful to your calling.' 

'That is what Jesus Christ still says to each one of us. Our glory is never in comparison with others; our glory is the service of Christ in whatever capacity he has allotted to us. But all of us are called to worship him and to witness to what he has done, and is doing in our lives as we dwell in him.'

Another episode of 'Funnily Enough' serialised in iBelieve, the rather glamorous Christian lifestyle magazine

.

The author of 'Funnily Enough'

with further true-life stories serialised in

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Mary Stephenson speaking on Premier Radio

Mary Stephenson, a former addict, shares her testimony of finding Jesus in a 'Woman to Woman' interview  on London's Premier Christian Radio (listen on demand, recorded in May 2013).

You will need to use Internet Explorer or Mozilla Firefox to listen.

Send a Bible, a Bible a Month ~

I learnt about Bible a Month in about 1984, as my flatmate had joined the scheme. I thought, 'That's a nice thing to do.' I wish I'd found out more. I didn't realise how inexpensive it was and went on my own merry way without joining.

In about 1996 I spotted some new Bibles, in the Tswana language, on a shelf in a junk shop where I lived in South Africa, selling for £1 each. I bought the lot to take with me to Botswana. They proved ideal gifts and I was asked to return with more. This was difficult as there were no longer any for sale in my town. I had to persuade a farmer, I knew was a Gideon, to let me have a box of New Testaments. Some were in Tswana. Some were in English –at the front - and Afrikaans at the back. One had a gold cover. 

As I was travelling into the Okavango Delta, on the back of a lorry, an American tourist asked me what was in the heavy box. 

'They are Bibles,' I explained. 

She was horrified, disgusted. But as soon as we arrived all the Botswanans rushed up, asking me, 

'Did you remember the Bibles?' 

The scathing expression on the American woman's face dissolved as she realised how much they had been longed for. Everyone wanted the one with a gold cover. I apologised as I gave the English/Afrikaans versions to those who spoke English. 

'No problem,' one Tswana lady told me. 'I shall use it to learn Afrikaans' and she did. 

Many of those Tswana people have now died of AIDS. I am very glad I took the Bibles to them. I fear the next box I took up was not received by those who really wanted them, and I couldn't keep going.  

Instead I started sending £10 a month to Bible Society, discovering that it was a much easier way to distribute Bibles than going into the Okavango on a lorry. It was only when I reached China that I understood that supporting Bible Society is probably one of the best investments you can make. When I was going around the Amity Printing Company in Nanjing I realised that my meagre gift had been able to subsidize a substantial amount of printing. I stood in front of a great stack of about 300 Bibles thinking, 

'Those are my Bibles!' 

Each one will be read by about five adults. That is a total of 1,500 people, all thirsting for the Word. They estimate that 10,000 a week are converting to Christianity in China, many in the poor rural areas where people only earn about £1.60 a day. It's imperative that they have access to Bibles in their own language. And these Bibles are so treasured, so appreciated, used by many who are learning to read. When we went up-country to help distribute the new Bibles were we heralded with trumpets and fire-crackers, welcomed by crowds of people. I walked up to the village with tears in my eyes, saying to myself, 'All I've done is to give £10 a month.' 

Is a Bible a life changing gift? Yes.

Is giving Bibles a matter of life and death? It can be. Providing Bibles for Prisoners in South Africa will save lives. Giving Bibles to the Military in Zimbabwe will save lives. Subsidising Bibles for the people of China could be more important than we can ever imagine. I believe lives will be saved.  

How do you impact a nation? Give a Bible a Month. It's not just 'a nice thing to do'.

To find out more about Bible Society please click here

'Funnily Enough' in the May issue of iBelieve magazine

I had no influence over this portrait of me that's smiling out of the May edition of iBelieve magazine but it made me laugh as it was exactly how I wanted to look when I was little. I must have been strongly influenced by Sindy and Barbie dolls.

I am always packing things up for the post - but never this neatly.

Here is the full page:

This is how I really look:

The magazine cover is much more masculine this month:

I feel hugely honoured to be featured alongside Joyce Meyer, Nicky Gumbel and Sarah de Carvalho.

To subscribe to the magazine, please click here

The Gift of Life

'I always say that my life began again in 1988 because that's when Jesus gave me a new heart.'

Ann Hobbs was only forty-six years old when she had not one, but two, heart attacks. Although she wasn't frightened about dying, Ann had four children. The youngest was only eight. She also felt convinced that God had a purpose for her.

The first thing that happened was that Ann received prayer for healing. She was given a verse from Ezekiel: 'A new heart I put within you - and a new spirit.' Four weeks later her Consultant, who was planning to operate, tested her vigorously before deducting that there was nothing wrong with her heart, adding that he wished that his was as strong. 'Something has happened since I last saw you!' he declared.

A year later, fit and restored to full health, Ann found herself driving to Romania in a converted bread-van. It took three days, often travelling on dangerous mountain roads. After facing aggressive border officials, who kept them waiting another day, they finally drove into Romania. It was the start of an adventure that was to last twenty-five years.

'We smelt it from the gates.' Ann and her team made their way past security guards with dogs to visit a state orphanage, a bleak place surrounded by a high iron fence. Having negotiated with the director in an office thick with cigarette smoke they were taken to see the children. It broke her heart. The rooms were dirty and bedding sparse. Little children with shaved heads rocked silently on stinking mattresses. There were 120 living there and yet no toilet was working. 'We returned the next morning to get every child washed. It took all day but we gave each one a set of new clothing with socks and shoes. Their own clothes were so far gone we had to burn them.' Conditions at another orphanage were worse. They found one person looking after 200 babies in one room. None of them wore nappies.

Ann returned to England determined to do all she could for the neglected children. Her Romanian friends had no knowledge of what had been going on. She felt that if they joined forces and went into the orphanages consistently, things would improve. 'Step by Step' became her moto. Before long she had set up a charity shop and started receiving donations. 'We kept the best items to take to Romania and sold the rest to raise funds.' She bought a 6.5 ton lorry and, with a team of volunteers, drove across Europe with everything the children might need from nappies to flat-pack furniture. Soon lives were being transformed.

Over the years Ann started up three different charity shops and a warehouse in the UK, drawing on the retail training she had been given as a girl by Marks & Spencers. She had a team of sixteen volunteers at one stage, and ran a cafe as well as a nearly-new shop. Three times a year she would travel to Romania, re-equipping the orphanages from top to bottom. 'We gained access to all areas, which was a miracle.'

Ann has looked after the children as they have grown up, giving to them as she gives to her own. 'We've put some of the children through university, we've had weddings - it's all been very special. I don't like travelling, I don't like heat and can't stand flies but we have had great fun.' Four Romanian choirs have come back to sing in England and children have come over to take part in youth camps. 'The support from churches in the UK has been amazing.'

Mission to Romania is no longer a UK registered charity but it still helps to support to about 500 children and young people. 'Some have parents in prison, some were dumped as babies. One little boy was dropped from a balcony and was severely injured but he responded to treatment and is as bright as a button.' Ann has kept travelling, taking equipment to four orphanages as well youth remand centres across the country, visiting the churches that support them along the way. She usually travels about 6,000 miles on each visit, often ending up working at a state prison for 15-18 year old boys. 'They could have done anything from rape to murder but they all need loving and the word of God.'

Ann's message is that if God tells you to do something - do it. He'll direct you and show you how. With God all things are possible. 'However, if it's just a good idea of your own - don't go there! You won't have the strength to sustain it.'

Ann loves taking Christmas to Romania. 'We usually take craft projects as it enables us to get close to the children and bring out their creativity. It's a ministry of encouragement,' explained the lady who so very nearly died and yet has brought life to many.

Ann Hobbs ~ Mission Romania, 22 Fir Avenue, New Milton, Hampshire BH25 6EU

The God of Second Chances

I was recently interviewed on US radio by Dr Diane Dike, a tireless campaigner who raises awareness and support for invisible diseases. She suffers from a rare blood disease herself and is all too familiar with feelings of  brokenness and rejection.

Diane lives by the verse, 'Be strong and courageous' as she strives to help those who have been abandoned by running a number of programmes. To read more please click here

'Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you of forsake you.' Deuteronomy 31:6

An extract from Funnily Enough in the April edition of iBelieve magazine

While Gloria Gaynor tells how she kept the faith in tough times

...you'll find a cartoon of me endevouring to do the same. In reality I could not have used ear-phones, watched TV or tolerated cats as I had gone down with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

If you click on the images you should be able to read my story. I hope it will encourage others to be able to sing out, 'I will survive!'

To subscribe to iBelieve magazine please click here

To reach the Funnily Enough web-site please click here

To read a bit more of Funnily Enough please click here

Be strong and courageous...

April 1991 ~ the time when I was taken out of Egypt.

Like the some of Israelites, I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but I went down with the plague and had little choice in the matter. No choice. I lost my job in London after falling ill with CFS or ME (or CFIDS as it's know in the states.)

Despite a few trials, I managed to cross the Read Sea and rather enjoyed wandering around in the wilderness. For me, this entailed spending twelve years in southern Africa, ever travelling and often camping in the desert. I was tempted to cast idols and make a fool of myself but got to actually study the Ten Commandments and rather enjoyed sleeping out under the stars.

On 1st January 2004 I was given the verse from Joshua 1 v 9, Be strong and courageous,  not knowing that this would lead me into the Promised Land. In June that year I met a widower, a man I thought the Lord might want me to marry. I was praying for confirmation when I noticed a ring on his little finger and asked what was inscribed on it.

'Fortiter et Fideliter,' he declared.

'Strength and Courage'. I crossed the River Jordan.

You can read more 

about how I came out of Egypt here 

Funnily Enough ~ serialised in iBelieve

The inspirational Christian Magazine

published by New Life Piblishing

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One Verse - from this season's 'Word in Action'

Sophie Neville

An extract from Funnily Enough ~

24^th April ~ When I was breaking down in the office, I kept muttering, ‘Oh Jesus. Help; give me strength.’ A prayer of desperation. I was trying hard not to cry but had fallen down under my desk and was grasping the edge of the filing cabinet, determinedly saying to myself, ‘I can cope, this is just a dizzy spell.’ Only a huge pile of scripts slid on top of me. Then the Manager’s Assistant came in, discovered me groaning under this mound of pink paper, heaved me up and off to see the doctor. ‘Well, Lord, I’m still ill. If you’re in control, please tell me what’s happening.’

I lie looking at the ceiling. Nothing’s happening. I’m not getting any better. One thing’s for sure: this illness just proves how terribly weak and vulnerable I am. It’s made me realise the astonishingly obvious fact that I only have one body and it’s not disposable. It is certainly not meant to be demolished by slogging away on some wretched series. As my Department Manager, said, ‘In the end, it’s just another television programme. If you were run over by a white van I would have to replace you.’

Had I let working in telly become my idol, my raison d’être? Alastair says if we let our jobs totally define us, it is of course gutting if they dissolve overnight. I have a horrid feeling that I’d let pride slip in too. I didn’t mean to boast, it’s so ugly, but when people at a drinks party ask you what you do, they never fail to be impressed when you say that you work in TV or the media. Pathetic isn’t it? The self-justification I think I held in place, was that it took so much hard work and determination to become a television director I felt I deserved to be able to say something for myself. None-the-less, like grotty old T-shirts, these vanities have to be flung out. I want God to be able to accept me, use me. Otherwise what’s this life all about?